Of Soul Mates and Kindred Spirits
I found an article (Can't find your soul mate? This is why) on the Netscape Network today that began with a shocking statement:
It's easier for women to find their soul mate than it is for men. That is the surprising conclusion of a study by researchers at New York's Adelphi University, who blame the disparity on the "intimacy gap," reports Reuters.
Not so shocking, of course, because (and forgive me if I'm stereotyping) a woman wants a soul mate more than a man does. Not that a man doesn't want a soul mate, mind you. It's just something that the typical man doesn't much think about. (See Dave Barry's classic treatment of the subject. It's much more insightful than anything I can say about it.)
Actually, the ease with which you can find a soul mate depends less on your biology and more on your definition of "soul mate." If you think a soul mate is a specific person born with specific traits that fit perfectly with your personality, preferences, and life ambitions, then you will probably never find that person. You may, if you're lucky, find one or two people close to that, but I consider such a person a kindred spirit rather than a soul mate. Even if your perfect kindred spirit exists, you would be hard pressed to find him or her in a world of six billion or so other people. On the other hand, if you have a more realistic—though not necessarily diminished—expectation of a soul mate, your chances of meeting him or her increase exponentially.
To me, a soul mate and a kindred spirit are completely different. You are born in agreement with a kindred spirit. When you meet him, you automatically love him. The two of you, when you meet, feel like you've known each other your entire lives. You can go years without talking and never miss a beat when you see each other again. You like the same things, share similar feelings, laugh at the same obscure and nonsensical jokes, find excitement in similar places, and are just different enough that you can like each other even when suffering debilitating bouts of self-hate. A soul mate, on the other hand, is someone completely different from you. When you meet her, you may take an immediate liking to her or you may not. But eventually, you grow into each other so that the two of you are inextricably bound to one another. Your souls, in effect, mate. Kindred spirits bring out the best in each other. Soul mates make each other better than either of them could be on their own.
In short:
kindred spirit=safe harbor friend
soul mate=intimate, lifelong companion
I don't know for sure that the concepts of kindred spirit and soul mate are mutually exclusive. I have one of each in my life, but my soul mate (my wife) would never suffice as a kindred spirit and my kindred spirit (a male friend from college) would never work out as a soul mate. So, to answer the question posed by the Netscape article, if you can't find a soul mate, it may be because you're searching for a perfect match of personalities or settling for a safe harbor friend rather than recognizing the radical intimacy that's possible when two different souls mate.
