Forgiveness and Apologies
There's been a liveley discussion here and here over at One Hand Clapping concerning the issue of Christian forgiveness. People leaving comments to the two posts seem to want to be able to forgive people while reserving the right to punish offenders and harbor bad feelings toward them. I left a few comments myself, but I don't think anyone took me seriously. This is the gist of what I said:
As Christians, our model of forgiveness (and pretty much everything else) is Jesus. He was falsely accused, beaten, tortured, publicly ridiculed, stripped naked, and put to death on a cross, but with His dying breaths He asked God to forgive the people who put Him there. His death paid for all sins, including the sins people commit against me. I have offended God more than any man could ever offend me, and He has forgiven me of everything. How then can I refuse to forgive anyone? Jesus taught absolute, total, unending forgiveness for anything and everything. It's contrary to human nature, but if we aspire to a Christ-like nature, then we have to rise above our natural impulses of hatred and vengeance.
Anyway, the principle of forgiveness applies especially to a marriage relationship. My wife and I have offended each other more times than we can count. Without forgiveness we wouldn't have lasted through our engagement, much less 5+ years of marriage. This point seems obvious, but people still miss it: If you want to have a close relationship with your wife, you cannot let any hard feelings sit and fester, which means you must forgive everything she does that hurts you. She must also forgive everything you do to hurt her.
My wife's complete Christ-like forgiveness, though, does not give me a license to do anything I want and lay the blame on her when she can't let go of some pain that I've caused. First, I need to work to make my hurtful actions a rare exception rather than a rule. That builds trust and makes forgiveness easier. Second, when I screw up I need to apologize and change my ways. (This article provides some advice on that.) Here's something I've learned to keep in mind when apologizing: Try to refrain from using the words "but" and "you." Phrases within apologies that contain those words usually nullify the part that starts with "I'm sorry."
Update: Mrs. Happy just reminded me that a married couple should resolve any angry or harmful conflict before falling asleep. We've had a few sleepless nights adhering to that rule, but trust me when I say it's better than having feelings that fester.
