Friday, November 14, 2003
Choosing, part 2
Yesterday I began examining some practical criteria for choosing a spouse from an article over at Deeper Devotion. Today I continue that.
- What are the people around you saying? Do your closest friends and family think this person is worth pursuing?
My closest friends and family could not shut up about how I should be pursuing the Happy Potential. Not one person that I ever introduced to my parents made as strong an impression on them as Mrs. Happy. My friends constantly expressed bewilderment at the fact that she and I were not the hottest item in Austin. Even my friend Matt, who lived in Indiana and didn't meet her or speak to her until the wedding, told me I should be with her. Everyone knew a long time before we did that we would (or at least should) get married, and they weren't shy about saying so. - Does she cause you to sin? Would you be compromising on your standards by pursing a relationship with her? Have you seen any red flags-sin or baggage that needs to be dealt with that shouldn't be carried into a relationship (i.e. lust, anger, bitterness toward God)?
I lusted after her in my heart quite a bit, but that wasn't her fault. She never required any sin from me, and in fact she encouraged me in my ministries and my personal spiritual growth. - Do you have similar life goals, dreams, and ideals? (Not that they have to be exactly the same, but have you made sure that neither of you are compromising what God has already told you to do?)
We both wanted to grow closer to God and to each other. We both wanted to raise a loving, Godly family. I had no clear direction in life, so compromise was a non-issue for me. Mrs. Happy, on the other hand, had some pretty prominent gifts that she obviously needed to foster. I dedicated myself to helping her do that, and I've never regretted it. - How does this person treat other people (especially her family)?
Mrs. Happy's family has issues and conflicts, just like every family, but she loves them with all her heart. When we met, she didn't have a very close relationship with her youngest brother (they're 11 years apart in age), but he was able to hang out with the two of us quite a bit, and now we're all good friends. As far as non-family goes, she's the rare type of person who treats everyone with respect (except sometimes mean people, who, I think we can all agree, suck). She even has a special affection for those that society considers outcasts. - Is this person someone you would want to be influenced by? A person that you would want to wake up beside every morning? Someone you could be committed to working through their faults with? Someone you would trust to make some of life's biggest decisions with?
Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. Absolutely. - Have you put in the time to know if this person is who she says she is—consistently?
Mrs. Happy and I were friends for a year and best friends for three years (including a four-month courtship and a six-month engagement) before we got married. I estimate that we spent no less than 5 hours a week together during that first year and no less than 20 hours a week together in the next three years, which adds up to easily more than 3,000 hours that we spent with each other before we got married. It would be difficult for two honest people to keep up a facade for that long. - Are you ready? Have you spent enough time with this person to know that your decision isn't based on emotions? Is your heart prepared for a relationship? Do you fit these criteria?
I don't know if anyone can accurately gauge their readiness for something they've never experienced. I do know that we desperately wanted to begin building a life together, that 20 hours a week was not nearly enough time to spend in each other's company. For us, getting married was the logical, best, and only option.
I wish I had read an article like this when I was twenty. It contains quite a bit of solid, practical advice. It might have saved me some grief. Then again, I was probably too misguided and stubborn to have paid attention anyway. I'm just glad everything worked out the way it did.
