Choosing
I came across an article over at Deeper Devotion that offers some advice on choosing a spouse. It's the sort of advice a lot of married people gave me when was single, along the lines of If you just depend on your feelings, you could get yourself into a messy situation and Choose your mate wisely and don't settle for less. I resented it at the time, thinking that married people have no idea what it's like to be single and lonely. But now I can see the wisdom in it, and now I also realize that a lot of married people endured years of loneliness before their weddings as much as I did. Still, I look back and see that people told me a lot of stupid things, too. Fortunately, I didn't listen to the half-hearted encouragement and ill-informed opinions any more than I heeded the good advice.
Let me give some advice to people who like to give advice: Never say to a single person, "Don't worry. You'll get married some day." It's the most transparent, condescending, and unhelpful piece of falsely hopeful tripe ever uttered by a human being. Also, when a young man has been told by a young woman, "I just like you as a friend," don't try to cheer him up by telling him that the young woman's statement is good news because it's better to be friends first. It's true that the most enduring romances grow out of the deepest friendships, but that really doesn't apply to the situation. When a girl tells a guy that she likes him as a friend and nothing more, what he hears (and probably what she means) is that at best she sees him as a eunuch with a decent personality—not good news at all.
Anyway, there's nothing like that in the Deeper Devotion article. Kristy Smith, the article's author, actually provides practical advice on how to choose who you marry. She sets out ten questions to ask yourself when looking at a potential mate. Here's how they apply to me and Mrs. Happy:
- Does this person acknowledge God as Lord and the best friend of her life? Is she molded by God or molded by the people around her? Is she really committed to knowing God and what God wants, or is her spirituality just for you?
When I met my Happy Acquaintance in 1994, she had been a Christian for a couple of years. She didn't attend church much growing up, so once she came to understand what Jesus was all about and that she could have a personal relationship with God, she wholeheartedly began growing her faith. We were absolutely compatible in this area. - Does this person have a teachable spirit? Is this person quick to learn from situations, or does she get mad easily and blame things on other people? Is this person willing to listen to criticism and the opinions of others? How does this person respond to you when you do or say something she doesn't like?
Mrs. Happy scores high in this regard, too, and always has as far as I know. She's quick to learn and slow to anger, if at times a little too quick to speak. - Do you feel the Lord is giving you the "okay"? Have you prayed about it? Seriously? Are you willing to not pursue this relationship if you felt the Lord was telling you "no"?
I prayed about girls a lot during my single days. Nearly every time I met an attractive girl, I asked God if I should pursue her. Every single time I prayed such a prayer, God's answer was crystal clear to me: Yes. The results were invariably disastrous. However, I didn't feel an immediate attraction to the Happy Acquaintance, so when I prayed about her, God's crystal clear answer to me was not to pursue romance. I have found that in my life, hormones trump the Spirit…and hormones are always wrong.
I will address the remaining seven questions in tomorrow's post.
