My (non-)Mannersly wedding
I love Miss Manners. She seems to be the only person in the media lobbying for a return to general civility. Twice a week, her column advocates people respecting each other, children showing deference to their elders, and adults behaving like adults. I wholeheartedly agree with almost everything she writes, and she often teaches me something new.
Her January 25 column focuses on weddings, one of her pet peeves. When she writes about weddings, she reminds me of Steve Martin's views on irony in the movie Roxanne: "Irony? No, no, we don't have that here. You see, in this town people ski topless while smoking pot, so irony is sort of a non-issue." (I'm quoting from memory, so that's probably not verbatim.) She holds the opinion that weddings are quickly becoming as irrelevant as irony in Steve Martin's town for a host of reasons, including the fact that many are part of a series for either or both central participants, many feature a pregnant bride and the five-year-old son of the bride and groom as the best man, and many are superfluous ceremonies since the couple eloped but didn't want to miss out on having a party in their own honor. I should say here that all three circumstances have occurred within my own family, and I don't judge anyone for their desire to have a ceremony they can share with family and friends.
I wonder, though, what Miss Manners would have thought about my wedding. We had a gift registry at three different stores, and Miss Manners despises gift registries. I sang a couple of songs (both of them precious to my bride in some way) during the prelude, a practice which she hasn't addressed in her columns but would surely frown upon. My friend Matt (my favorite singer in the world) sang several other songs important to us both. We had my best man tell a condensed version of our love story for members of our extended family who didn't know how we met, became friends, fell in love, and committed to each other. We had the pastor explain the concept of salvation and why we see marriage as a sacred and holy union, neither of which is essential to the ceremony. I don't think Miss Manners would approve of any of that.
On the other hand, we exchanged the traditional wedding vows, something I feel passionate about. Mrs. Happy (appropriately, I might add) wore a white wedding gown, and I a black tuxedo with a white shirt and no non-traditional colors. We let people know where we registered for gifts, but never insisted that gifts come only from those places, and we never solicited money in lieu of gifts. We also required commitments of time and effort (and as little cash as possible) only from the members of the wedding party. We did not throw ourselves a bridal shower, instead allowing friends and/or family to do so as they desired. I don't think Miss Manners would shake a disapproving finger at any of that, except possibly the gift registry.
I have heard that some people complained about our wedding being "too much of a show." Maybe it was for some people. But of all the weddings I have attended, mine is still my favorite. That's as it should be.
