Long-term harmony
A single friend of mine recently signed up at eHarmony. He has tried other online dating services without success, but he told me today that eHarmony seems to be a breed apart. Instead of focusing on common interests, they focus on common sensibilities, expectations, and goals. Every member fills out an extensive questionnaire, then receives messages from the service about other compatible members. These members may then choose whether to communicate or not with a questionnaire of their own design, with questions they choose from a long list supplied by the service. One of the possible questions intrigued me:
Besides love, what one trait have you noticed in couples that have maintained a successful relationship for many years?
This differs from the typical "What makes a marriage work?" question in several ways. First, it is objective and based on observation rather than speculation. Rather than asking "What actions and/or habits do you think a marriage needs to succeed," it asks, "What characteristics do you see in successful marriages?" Second, it is descriptive rather that prescriptive. It focuses on what is rather than on what should be. This is important, because the assertions of all the psychological and sociological literature in the world do not even begin to measure up to a single, real example of a man and woman who have spent 40 years together and still love each other more than their own lives. Third, it does not assume that a long-term, intact marriage is a default success. Plenty of failed marriages last many, many years.
I'm not familiar with many long, successful marriages. In the few that I do know, I notice that they all have a common faith.
I asked Mrs. Happy this question, and she said almost immediately "a shared sense of humor."
I'd love to hear others' observations. Remember, the question concerns an observable trait rather than a hidden attitude—results rather than causes.
