Monday, July 26, 2004
The paradox of manhood
I like movies. I like watching them, thinking about them,
analyzing
them, and talking about them.
I can offer a measured opinion of nearly every movie I've ever seen. Some
of those opinions are more controversial than others, especially among
sci-fi
and comic
book geeks. For instance, I think Batman
Returns (which featured Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer, and
Danny Devito
as
the
villains)
was
superior
to Batman (starring
Jack Nicholson),
and that Gene Wilder would have been an exponentially better Joker than
Nicholson could ever have aspired to, and that I will never forgive Nicholson
for destroying what could have been a great movie. I think that the ending
of
The Usual Suspects ruins
what is an otherwise excellent movie.
I also think Fight Club is
a total chick flick.
Trust me, I have good reasons for all those pronouncements, but I'll explain
the last one because it's relevant to today's post. See, I have a theory, which
may be right or not—feel free to disagree in the comments—that women are drawn
to warriors and repulsed by aggression. There is something primal and intensely
masculine about a man who can lay waste to all around him, and a woman feels
her own femininity in direct proportion to her man's masculinity. However,
women are also gentle creatures and often feel shock and horror at the idea
that a man would be capable or desirous of
inflicting harm upon another human being. This is a contradiction that has
plagued sensitive high school boys ever since the first high school was built.
"They say they like sensitive guys and yet they only date jocks," is the plaintive
cry of every non-athletic adolescent male.
Well, Fight Club eliminates the contradiction. Here is a group of
men who fight each other for no reason at all. They have no feelings of ill
will or aggression, they (usually) stop before anyone gets hurt, and they're
all
friends
afterward.
Fight Club is a school for turning men into the perfect blend of warrior
and pansy. Throw in a few scenes of a shirtless Brad Pitt and you have a movie
that leaves guys wondering, "What was the point of all that?" while their dates
drift off in reflective reverie. I would bet that most men who say they like
that movie enjoyed it only because they thought they were supposed to. Like
I said, though, I could be wrong.
Anyway, however women feel about men's physical prowess on a field of battle
or athletic competition, men want women to be impressed by their skills in
those arenas. I'm no exception. Problem is, I'm not really that athletic. I'm
too small for football, too short for basketball, too slow for soccer, and
too uncoordinated for hockey. I do possess a fierce competitive streak, however,
and that sometimes gives me an edge against more capable but less driven competition
when I do participate in a game. I'd like it if my wife recognized that and
felt some measure of pride because of it, but she rarely sees me play any sport
at all because it just doesn't interest her.
Recently, though, our church had a picnic in the local park in which the youth
group challenged the church deacons to a game of dodgeball. We accepted the
challenge…and beat them into the ground. I hadn't played dodgeball since the
age of 12, at which time I was the smallest person on the court by 100 pounds.
This time, the teenagers only outweighed me by 25 or 30 pounds, and for some
reason they seemed a little intimidated by the old men. Let me tell you, I
made some spectacular plays. Both my teammates and our opponents were wowed
by my performance. After two games in which the rickety grownups dominated
the vigorous teens (some of them jocks, even, heehee), I found my
wife and asked, "Did you see me out there?" Her reply? "Oh, I watched for about
five minutes, but then I heard someone singing and went over to listen."
So maybe my theory about women being drawn to warriors is a little wacky.
I hope so. That
dodgeball game was two weeks ago, and I'm just now beginning to be able to move
without feeling the tortured protest of every muscle in my body.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Marriage links for the week
King of Fools posts about an accident in which he, his wife, and his three children
lost
their
family pet.
His children's reactions to the event are touching and worth reading about (Beyond
the rim shares something
similar on his blog).
KoF later took his family to meet another puppy that will soon be joining their
family, bringing them all a
renewed sense of hope.
Miss
Manners finally talks
about blogs. Her main concern is blogdom's potential for gossip. That's not
a problem on any of the blogs I read, but I can see her point: "The polite person
at least gossips discreetly and without malice. Blogs do not qualify as being
discreet. "
Marriages Restored has some information about the
dangers of Internet affairs. It even includes a quiz to see
if you're in
danger of an online affair.
Joe Missionary takes a critical look at the
theology of polygamy. Check out his other posts, too. He writes a lot of
good stuff about being on the missions field in Asia with his wife and one-year-old
son.
Friday, July 23, 2004
His and Hers XVIII
His and Hers is a weekly discussion of a question or topic relating to marriage.
On Friday, my wife and I each write our thoughts on the week's topic. I invite
other bloggers to do the same with their spouses as an exercise in celebrating
marriage. This week's question is:
What is your favorite kind of weather?
Mrs. Happy's response
Rain and sunshine at the same time. It's rare, it's beautiful,
and it holds the promise of a rainbow.
Curt's response
Misty autumn dusk at about 55° (13°C). I don't know why,
but it makes me think, "This is how life ought to be."
Thursday, July 22, 2004
More heart stuff
Many of you read about our misadventures in Arizona—if not, read the whole story
part
1, part
2, and part
3.
We have since chalked Curt's condition up to low potassium levels, and have adopted
the mindset that "a banana a day keeps the PVCs away," but lately that hasn't
been the case. Despite a steady monkey diet, Curt has been feeling strange again,
warranting more visits to the cardiologist. This has brought back unpleasant
memories for me about those days in the hospital with him, but it also reminds
me of the faith and fortitude with which we were able to get through them. As
an artist, I tend to process my feelings through my artwork, and I would simply
like to revisit a collage I did about that time and share it here.
Right now, the doctors are of the opinion that there's nothing to worry about
and that the causes and results of the PVCs are completely benign. Thank you
for keeping up with our marriage, and thank you in advance for your prayers.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Affinities
In the marriage class I mentioned on Tuesday, my wife and I each did a personality
inventory and found that despite our different interests, we have a lot of
similar traits. Here's how we match up in four different quadrants of our
personalities:
Leader
determined
competitive
enjoys challenges |
Partier
creative |
Friend
loyal
non-demanding
even keel
deep relationships
adaptable
sympathetic
thoughtful
nurturing
patient
tolerant
good listener |
Worker
controlled
reserved
practical |
Of course, this is only where we match up. My wife is much more of a partier
than I am, so she had more attributes in that quadrant, while I'm more of a
leader than she is, so I scored higher there. We found, though, that both of
our personalities center around relationships—the deeper the better. That's
a big part of why we're so close. Our needs and ways of expressing love complement
each other quite nicely. We also both have a laid-back attitude toward life
that lends itself to compromise when our interests don't coincide. We also
have the same goals and a mutual dedication toward reaching those goals. We
do have our disagreements, but the commitment we've made to each other's well
being and the investments we've made in each other's lives always (eventually)
overcome
any conflicts that may arise.
NOTE: I used a width="100%" attribute in this opening table tag. It looks
fine on my computer, but I learned from the last table I posted that Windows
machines interpret things differently. Please let me know in the comments if
this table isn't appearing properly.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Differences
NOTE: This formatting issue is confounding me. The only thing the slightest
bit strange about the table below is that I originally posted it with an align="left" attribute in the opening table tag. I have now removed that. It displays fine
for me, but it always has. If someone with a Windows PC can see it (or not),
please leave a comment letting me know.
I mentioned last week that my wife and I are taking a class at church that
focuses on strengthening marriages. One of the exercises we did was an inventory
of our interests, which brought to light how different we actually are. We
completed a chart (see below) that spelled out the differences rather starkly.
| When it comes to… |
I like |
My spouse likes |
| sports |
team sports |
tennis |
| movies |
science fiction and fantasy tales |
dramatic, psychological, and relational stories |
| being an early bird or a night owl |
staying up late |
sleeping late |
| driving |
expressing frustration and letting out the road rage |
staying calm and giving people the benefit of the doubt |
| holidays |
visiting family |
spending time alone together |
| money and spending |
buying books and music |
buying clothes and art supplies |
| attending social occasions |
staying home or spending time with one or two friends |
parties, get-togethers, and shindigs, but not galas, hootenannies,
or box socials |
| going out on a date |
staying intimate and casual |
dressing up and patronizing classy dining and entertainment venues |
| reading |
nearly anything |
realistic fiction |
| keeping the house clean |
enacting a laissez-faire policy toward cleaning |
keeping things neat, with as little effort as possible |
| food |
fast food and easily prepared comfort food at home |
interesting, nutritious meals |
We also found that apart from interests, our personalities are pretty similar. I'll go into that a little tomorrow.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Marriage links for the week
Toni has some thoughts about what it means to be in submission to one's husband
as
the church is to Christ.
Donald Sensing offers some sobering statistics about modern
men's attitudes toward marriage. In another
post, he quotes Michael
Williams,
who says of marriage in general, "Most men don't strive to be worthy of submission,
and most women don't strive to be worthy of dying for."
Irene writes about waiting
for the right man to come along.
Marla Swoffer (Proverbial Wife) shares her thoughts on divorce,
adultery, and remarriage. They are well worth reading. These are difficult
topics, and she gives them a good treatment.
One columnist shares 50
suggestions for making a marriage happy, and ends
with this: "Keeping our commitment to God and to each other will keep our
marriages from breaking up, but honoring and serving each other in marriage
can make coming home a wonderful haven that each spouse continually will
love coming home to year, after year, after year."
Here's an interesting
take on love and passion from a columnist in Tanzania.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Reminiscence No. 5
I've been receiving a fair number of links and new visitors in recent months,
which reminds me that a lot of people reading this have never read some of
my past work. Since I don't focus on current events here, most of my posts
remain as relevant today as they were when I wrote them four months ago. So,
in an
effort to serve those who don't want to filter through the voluminous archives,
and in another
effort to avoid writing something original, I periodically post links to myself
so that the new folks can share a little of The Happy Husband's past. Here
are a few from February and March:
That's it. I kind of went through a dry spell this past winter, but there
were still a few nuggets I'm proud of. If you like these posts, you can
find some that are even better by reading Reminiscences No.
1, No.
2, No.
3,
and No.
4.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
RLTB™
Earlier this evening, Mrs. Happy and I began attending a class at church aimed
at helping married couples develop stronger, more Christ-centered relationships.
This class will last the rest of the summer (or winter, for my friends south
of the equator), so just assume that real life trumps blogging on Wednesdays
for the next couple of months.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
A word from Mrs. Cranky Happy
This is Mrs. Happy, and I made a big mistake today. As part of the process
of making up for it, I saw it fit to let Curt’s entire blogdom know
how imperfect his wife can be. Hopefully it will turn into a healthy bit
of marital education
to others as well.
I like to snooze…I'm not talking simply about sleep,
but serious, hit-the-snooze-button-at-least-four-times
hard-core snoozing. I'm also a very heavy sleeper, so it takes me a few
minutes to understand that the noise coming from the alarm clock is not a dream.
Curt, on the other hand, becomes semi-conscious at the sound of a pin drop,
and quickly shuts off the annoying alarm by hitting the snooze. This morning,
he
hit the snooze several times so quickly that I never had a chance to actually
wake up and realize what was happening, and by the time Curt told me what time
it was, I had just barely woken up, only to realize that I had precious little
time to get ready for work. Did I mention also that I am horrifically cranky
in the morning? To make a rushed and frustrating story even shorter, my evil,
pre-coffee madness was at an all-time high this morning, and I left the house
with some harsh words, and in a less than affectionate "Mrs. Happy" state.
By the time I got my coffee and finished my commute, I hadn't given it
a second thought. By the time I got home, it was as if nothing negative (between
Curt
and me)
had ever transpired at all. Meanwhile, Curt had had a rotten day all day long
because
his feelings were hurt, and I had no idea. I guess part of me thought that
he should have learned by now that I am not myself (or a semblance of any other
pleasant person) in the mornings, and should have taken this morning with a
grain
of salt. Then I realized that our rule about never going to bed angry should
also apply to leaving the house. We should never part
company without some combination of the following: a hug, a kiss, and a sincere
"I love you."
Monday, July 12, 2004
Extravagant love
I love my wife. She has met and surpassed every expectation I've ever had about
marriage. In fact, just today she said to me, "Curt, I'm so glad you're not hideous."
Mark one more fantasy down as fulfilled.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Marriage links for the week
I mentioned in Thursday's
post how Doug McHone (Coffee
Swirls) praised his wife
on
his
blog. If you didn't read his post then, read
it now.
Over at Spare Change, Bryan confesses to some personal
deficiencies in how he deals with his wife sometimes. It is a penetrating, intimate look at how
he sometimes fails and has to humble himself in order to restore himself and
his marriage. He brings to this post the sort of insight we should all aspire
to.
"Do soulmates exist? Why or why not?" That's the entirety of Joshua
Claybourn's post from Tuesday. The comments are worth reading, though I
think soulmate needs to be defined in the question if the debate is
to have any validity. I define soul mate in terms of what I have experienced,
so in my mind they absolutely exist. In fact I once
wrote in this very space:
A soul mate…is someone completely different from you.
When you meet her, you may take an immediate liking to her or you may not.
But eventually, you grow into each other so that the two of you are inextricably
bound to one another. Your souls, in effect, mate.…Soul mates make each other
better than either of them
could be on their own. …if you can't find a soul mate,
it may be because you're searching for a perfect match of
personalities or settling for a safe harbor friend rather than recognizing
the radical intimacy that's possible when two different
souls mate.
Jollyblogger has some good
news about marriage from bad statistics.
Newsweek's cover story this week was titled The
Secret Lives of Wives,
detailing how modern women have more opportunity and inclination to cheat on
their husbands than they have in the past. Vincent at World Magazine Blog takes
Newsweek to task for their faulty
assumptions and misguided conclusions. Ben, of Marriages Restored, has
some even stronger things to say about the story's failure to examine the
tragedy
and trauma caused by affairs and, in another post, its bewildering interpretation
of the movie Unfaithful.
Friday, July 09, 2004
His and Hers XVII
His and Hers is a weekly discussion of a question or topic relating to marriage.
On Friday, my wife and I each write our thoughts on the week's topic. I invite
other bloggers to do the same with their spouses as an exercise in celebrating
marriage. This week's question is:
This week's question is two-fold:
a) What was the stupidest
thing anyone said to you at the beginning of your marriage?
b) How would
you have responded if you had no manners or tact?
Mrs. Happy's response
a) (when we were still newlyweds) "You're young and in love,
but just wait a few years and it'll wear off."
b) "You don't know the first
thing about my marriage. Don't project your own misery onto me."
Curt's response
a) (when we were engaged and not yet married) "So, are you excited
about getting married?"
b) "I'm a 25-year-old virgin. What do you think?"
Thursday, July 08, 2004
An excellent wife
I had a professor in college who was one of the world's foremost experts on
the book of Proverbs. He told us once that the 31st chapter of that book—the
one that lays down impossibly high standards for wives—used the word wife as
a metaphor for wisdom rather than a literal term. I'm sure he elaborated, but
I can't remember any of his
reasons for thinking that. When I read it, it certainly seems to be speaking
about wives. And though he may be the smartest person in the world when it
comes to that subject, he's the only person I've ever heard offer that opinion.
But that's neither here nor there.
I'm thinking about Proverbs
31 because Doug wrote a beautiful post this week
in tribute
to his wife, and it nearly made me cry to see the love he has for
her and that he's willing to express in such a public fashion. It also made
me think. I read over the chapter and applied it to my own marriage. As I said
before, its standards are impossibly high. But in many ways they are still
applicable to modern marriage. In any case, verses 10–31 prompted these thoughts
about my wife:
I'm so glad she married me.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Husband, heal thyself
I once mentioned my friend Kenny in a post that focused on how Christian men
can encourage one another. Recognizing the need for and the absence of such
encouragement in the lives of many men, Kenny recently started up a men's ministry
at our church. I asked him to write a guest post for The Happy Husband and
offer encouragement to other husbands who read this site. — Curt
"I have more trouble with D. L. Moody than any other man I know." Those
were the
words of an evangelist used greatly by God named Dwight L. Moody.
You may be wondering
what on earth does that have to do with marriage? The response is that it
has volumes to do with marriage. Before I met with my wife and entered
into a marital relationship, one of the statements I heard often was that
marriage is hard and requires a lot of work. The spirit in which it was stated
carried
somewhat of a regretful tone to it. Because I heard it stated many times
and by people, I've come to realize that many spouses feel that marriage is
difficult
due to the complexity or shortcomings of their spouse.
When I married my wife
on September 7, 2002, I felt that I married the most incredible woman God
ever created, and I'm still convinced of it. However,
since that time
I've grown to realize that incredible and perfection are
two separate topics of discussion. I can say with certainty that she is
not perfect, and at
times her imperfections irritate me. But her imperfections are not the reasons
that I would say that marriage is difficult or is a lot of work.
The most
challenging obstacle that I face in marriage everyday is ME. Like my wife,
I am imperfect and I'm sure my imperfections contribute
to the complexity and hardship that arise in our relationship. I'm not
narrow-minded enough to believe that our marriage would be significantly better
if
she would
make certain modifications in her behavior that could reduce my irritability.
Our marriage can change for the better when I attack my imperfections
fearlessly. To do this, I must be willing to come to a place of honesty about
my areas
of weakness that do contribute to the labor and challenge of our marriage.
I'm convinced
that when two people in a martial relationship endorse this way of thinking,
the amount of conflict is reduced and resolving conflict becomes less
challenging.
I'd like to remind you that your spouse is not your enemy. God's
design for marriage is that two become one flesh before him. They are to
cleave together
spiritually,
physically, and emotionally. So often in marriage we can function in
a divided state by allowing the imperfections of our spouse to shape the
outlook
we have of them. The key is to focus on your own imperfections and
make whatever change is
needed that is for the better.
In closing, when you retire from insisting
that your spouse must change in order for your marriage to get better and
begin addressing your
imperfections, you
will find that your spouse will be more open to addressing their
imperfections as well.
God's richest blessings upon your marriage,
His servant,
Kenny Morgan
Monday, July 05, 2004
Excuse the mess
Blogger, my blogging service, recently introduced some exciting new features. One that I really wanted to take advantage of was its new archiving capabilities allowing every post to have its own page rather than having to share a page with a week's worth of other posts. I had some time today, so I sat down to improve my archives and succeeded only in screwing them up worse than they were before. Things look okay here on the main page, but click any permalink, and you'll see what I mean. I'll have to spend some time figuring this out.
Update: Problem fixed. I'll resume regular posting tomorrow. Please e-mail me if you experience any problems with this site, technical or otherwise.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Marriage links for the week
Two columnists debate
the question: "If your spouse has been institutionalized for years
with no hope of recovery, is infidelity acceptable?" I fear that question
would be a boring topic for His and Hers on this site.
No matter what the if statement might be, my wife and I both would
answer
with a resounding "NO." (User name: Joe | E-mail: ajc@donotremove.net |
Password:
password) (Thanks to Julie for
the link.)
Speaking of Julie, she wrote a
post this week about this The Happy Husband, Marriages Restored,
and her own relationship with her husband. Her site doesn't have permanent
links for individual posts, so go there and read the June 29 @ 6:32 p.m. entry.
Bryan at Spare Change posts a tribute
to his wife on the occasion of their ninth anniversary.
Marriages Restored has a post about how husbands and wives have different
priorities when it comes to cherishing
and respecting each other.
Friday, July 02, 2004
His and Hers XVI
His and Hers is a weekly discussion of a question or topic relating to marriage.
On Friday, my wife and I each write our thoughts on the week's topic. I invite
other bloggers to do the same with their spouses as an exercise in celebrating
marriage. This week's question is:
What do you appreciate most about your spouse's sense
of humor?
Mrs. Happy's response
<<Editor's note: Mrs. Happy is currently incapacitated by fatigue.
She went to sleep the moment she got home from work, and I didn't want to wake
her up for this. We'll fill this space with her response some time tomorrow
(Saturday). —Curt>>
Curt's response
I love her random silliness. It doesn't exist at anyone's expense,
it doesn't depend on specialized knowledge, and it doesn't require me to be
in a good mood. It just expresses a spontaneous joy for life, reminds me afresh
of her humanity, and creates for me a sense of well-being that I can't find
anywhere else.
Mrs. Happy's belated response
I had very high standards when looking for a potential mate,
and one of the top characteristics I absolutely required was a sense of humor.
I had grown up with terrifically funny parents and brothers, and there was
no way I was going to go through the rest of my life with a person who couldn't
laugh at himself, others, and the myriad of ridiculous circumstances that make
up
our
lives.
So first and foremost, I'm just thrilled that Curt has such a great sense of
humor. My favorite aspect of this is his gift for storytelling. He can take
the most mundane or terrible circumstance and tell its story with such animation
and colorful language, that his listeners can't help but giggle and/or spew
laughter uncontrollably. This is especially a blessing while we are actually
experiencing the mundane or terrible circumstance, as inevitably one of us
will turn to the other and say, "Well, at least this will make a great story!"
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Hope for the hopeless
I once
wrote:
Let me give some advice to people who like to give advice: Never say to
a single person, "Don't worry. You'll get married some day." It's
the most transparent, condescending, and unhelpful piece of falsely hopeful
tripe
ever uttered by a
human being.
That's not to say that anyone should try to discourage a single person from
hoping. Just don't offer false hope. Earlier today, I ran across an old letter
of mine to my friend Matt (long story how I came to have a copy of it)
that
may
offer some semblance of hope to single people longing for companionship. Let
me disclaim
here: I
was
in
a desperate
situation
at
this
point in my life,
and the letter contains ideas I do not usually express with language I do not
usually employ. Here's an excerpt, edited only for relevance:
Matt, I am so lonely. If I only had a match, all my cares I'd soon forget.
All I'd need would be a match if I had a cigarette. And if I had a cigarette,
I could watch the smoke rings curl. But I'd really be all set if I only had
a girl (from an old Al Jolson song). I just don't understand why I can't,
why I've never been able to find a girl. I don't want to start feeling sorry
for
myself, but it seems that whenever I'm attracted to someone, something makes
a romantic relationship impossible. Maybe she's got a strange religion, maybe
she's got a boyfriend, maybe she's got a penis, but something always stands
in the way. Is it me? Am I attracted to women only if I can't have them?
Or is there some global conspiracy to keep the attractive, intelligent, single
Christian women away from me? Or is it just my stupid luck? …All the girls
at my church are engaged or attached. There's nothing left for me. My friends
are all married. Why did I get left behind, alone?
…
I was sitting here at the computer one night playing solitaire and listening
to Company [i.e., the CD soundtrack for a musical play by Stephen
Sondheim–Curt].
One line kind of struck me as strange: "Poor baby, sitting there, staring
at the walls and playing solitaire / Making conversations with the empty
air, poor baby." I though about that a minute and said, "Boy, that would
be a pitiful existence."
…
Please forgive me if I sound like a pathetic wretch. Really I'm all right.
Is that encouraging? I wrote that six months before I met the future Mrs.
Happy. Things seemed hopeless,
as is life were a dead end. God has a way of making amazing things happen,
though. The evidence is in this blog's title. There's no such thing as a dead
end in His kingdom.
