A marriage lesson
I read a book a long time ago that claimed every problem in marriage is the husband's fault. It said that after five years, once both spouses' emotional baggage has been dealt with, the sole responsibility for marital harmony rests on the man's shoulders. As long as the husband is acting properly and effectively as the head of the household, the wife will respond with appropriate love and respect and Godly submission, and all will be well. That's a heavy burden for a man, but the idea made sense to me, and I have acted under that belief for most of my marriage.
Last week, my wife had a really bad day, which in turn caused me to have a bad day in the tradition of Apollo 13, Waterloo, and Peter Venkman. Fortunately, she quickly recovered and apologized for certain things. I, however, was shaken to the core. In my mind, days like that would never ever happen if I were a halfway competent husband. I confessed to her my discouragement in a conversation that went something like this:
Me: Days like that would never ever happen if I were a halfway competent husband.
Her: How do you figure that?
Me: I'm supposed to love you as Christ loved the church.
Her: You do.
Me: Apparently not. If I did, then, as I said before, days like that would never ever happen.
Her: I'll admit you're not perfect like Jesus.
Me: Exactly.
Her: But this had nothing to do with any failing on your part.
Me: I don't think you're hearing me.
Her: I understand what you're saying, but it doesn't make sense. You think that if you loved me perfectly the way Jesus loves the church, I would respond perfectly.
Me: Yep.
Her: The way the church responds to Jesus?
Me: Uh….
Her: I'm not perfect either, Curt. And that's not your fault.
Throughout the course of our marriage, my wife has taught me a lot about love, and (I think) vice versa. She has never taught me such a clear-cut lesson before, though. I still believe that the ultimate responsibility for familial harmony lies with the husband in the sense that every leader is responsible for the effectiveness and well-being of those he leads. The buck still stops with me. It seems obvious now, but it took this to make me realize that leadership involves as much response as it does direction. As I hinted in my last post, my wife's SAT scores were several hundred points lower than mine, but sometimes she's just so much smarter than me. I'm still learning, though, and some day soon I'll catch up.
