Winning and losing
I recently picked up a book by Gary Smalley called The DNA of Relationships. I haven't seriously sat down to read it, but I have skimmed it a bit. One passage that caught my attention explained a little about resolving arguments so that no one feels as if they've "lost."
Let me switch gears for a minute and say something about games. My wife and I both love games of nearly every sort—I think it's part of our competitive personalities. We particularly enjoy a board game called Pictionary. If you've never played, it's sort of like charades with a pencil and paper instead of physical gestures. Anyway, Mrs. Happy and I never lose that game if we play on the same team. It doesn't hurt that she's an artist, but our real advantage is a symmetry of thought. As long as we have that, we are Trojans to the other team's Sooners. When we're on the same team, we win. It's almost a foregone conclusion.
There's an interesting thing about being on the same team regardless of the game. If one of us wins, we both win. If one of us loses, we both lose. The only way one can win while the other loses is if we're on different teams. In marriage, spouses have to be on the same team. In an argument, both win or both lose. Smalley says the key to resolving differences of opinion lies in a commitment to reaching a conclusion in which both spouses win. I agree with that. If one spouse feels defeated, then nothing is resolved. If a compromise is reached (compromise being a solution in which both parties feel defeated), nothing is resolved. If both can offer up creative solutions and work things out together, everything is resolved and the beauty of marriage can shine.
And when I say "the beauty of marriage," I'm not talking about the making-up part of the argument, although that's pretty sweet.
