Monday, August 16, 2004
A final thought about small stuff
It may not have been obvious, but Friday's His and Hers question
came almost straight out of the curriculum for the marriage class that Mrs.
Happy and I
have been attending at church. Last Wednesday, we were supposed to "list 10
small,
specific, positive, caring actions that your spouse could do that would make
a difference in your marriage."
We didn't do it until Friday
because we really didn't need to do it at all. The workbook tells us to "Every
day, 5 days a week, for 6 weeks, do
one of the small actions from your spouse's list."
The author says that this step will breathe new life into any relationship,
that it will turn every marriage around. The problem is, we
already have
the
happiest
marriage
in
the
world.
What is there to improve? We love each other and do nice things for
each other
every
day. We laugh in the faces of anyone who dares suggest ways to enrich our already
extravagantly wealthy relationship! Had we been able to come up with any other
topic for His and Hers, we probably
never would have made the lists at all. Why would we?
I thank God that we did. Wednesday's lesson told us that six weeks of spouses
doing specific nice things for each other would bring about a dramatic improvement.
For us, three days of it has dramatically improved things. There was nothing
really wrong on Friday, but by Sunday evening, we had sort of rediscovered
how much fun we can have by making an effort to be good to each other. The
list helped by bringing our loving actions to the forefront of our consciousness.
Sometimes I just sing her a song because I have one on my mind and I'm comfortable
singing to her, and she enjoys it. But now when I do that, I know it's
not an offhand thing—I know it's something she wants, and she knows I'm doing
it to say "I love you."
And oddly enough, it's not the things she does for me that make me love her
more—it's the things I do for her. I wrote on Thursday that actions
define feelings. I have long known that to be true, but it still surprises
me. Love is what you do more than what you feel. Love is the sacrifice of yourself
for another person. I love my wife more, and I feel love more, when
I'm serving her than I do when she's serving me.
If you're married, I strongly encourage you and your spouse to make your own
list. Remember, the actions listed need to be:
- small: things you can do without a lot of planning ahead
- specific: generalities such as "appreciate me more" don't
help your spouse know what to do for you
- positive: an item such as "stop leaving your socks on
the floor" doesn't really give your spouse something to do
- caring: nothing cruel or falsely positive like "take me
on a date once a week the way you said you would when we got married but
haven't done since the honeymoon"
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Marriage links for the week
Joe Missionary writes about honoring
his wife:
"It seems to be a cultural thing for husbands and wives to publicly (and jokingly)
complain about the other, or even about being married. The joking, though,
carries an damaging undercurrent."
Irene writes a lot about being single (and no, Irene, it's not too much).
I empathize with her feelings because I was there myself for what seemed like
an eternity. This past week, she wrote about her simultaneous
conflicting desires to patiently wait and to speculate on the possibilities
with every man she meets. She also writes about the difficulty of surrendering
to God and staying focused
on Him while waiting for someone to enter her life.
Marla, the Provervial Wife, writes beautifully about her third
anniversary.
I recently discovered a blog written by Scott
and Lori, an engaged couple
who live in two different countries for the time being. They obviously love
each other and care about building a Godly marriage, so I have added them to
the sidebar. This past week, in response to my post about sharing
fears with my wife, Lori related her
own experience with a health scare and how she handled it with Scott.
Ben, of Marriages Restored, received an ugly e-mail that said, among other
things: "Ben, Your marriage is not restored. Once your wife cheated on you,
you have no marriage.…You are acting like a fool. The Almighty has a decent
woman out there for you. Just have the courage to look." His response exemplifies
what love, forgiveness, and grace are all about. If you read none of these
other links, read
this post.
Pa over at Little House writes about the power
of positive memories.
Friday, August 13, 2004
His and Hers XXI
His and Hers is a weekly discussion of a question or topic relating
to marriage. On Friday, my wife and I each write our thoughts on the week's
topic. I invite other bloggers to do the same with their spouses as an exercise
in celebrating marriage. This week's question is:
What are ten small, specific, positive things your
spouse can do for you that would make you feel loved and appreciated?
NOTE: These things must be positive and not something like,
"Take your nose out of the paper and pay attention to me for once." There is
a follow-up
assignment with this question: Read the things your spouse has
written
and
do at least
one
of them
every day.
Mrs. Happy's response
- make my lunch and draw a picture on the bag
- have a picnic at the park with me
- play tennis with me
- dance with me to slow music
- make my coffee in the morning
- compliment me about something I do
- take me out to dinner after a difficult day
- leave me a sweet message at work
- sing me a song
- write me a letter and/or make me a card
Curt's response
- wash the dishes (that's usually my job)
- write a blog post
- watch a science fiction movie with me
- call me at work just to say, "I love you."
- turn off the lights and just listen to music with me
- kiss me ten times as soon as we wake up in the morning, and let me do the
same
- put a loving note in my lunch
- bake a batch of those amazing oatmeal-coconut-chocolate chip cookies
- set aside some time when I can serenade you with my ukulele
- walk with me to the store to get a snack
Thursday, August 12, 2004
More small stuff
I've been thinking a lot about the importance of small things in a marriage
for the last couple of days because Minding the Little Things was
the topic of this week's
marriage class at church.
I had to think about this week's lesson in particular more than the others
because our pastor
was out of town and asked me to lead the class for that evening, so I had to
appear knowledgeable.
The lesson (not written by me) contained some excellent points:
- Little things can grow into huge things—"He put another
parable before them, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard
seed
that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds,
but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes
a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches.'"
Matt.
13:31–32 (ESV)
- A small thing can spread itself throughout something larger—"He
told them another parable. 'The kingdom of heaven is like leaven that
a woman took and hid in three measures of flour, till it was all leavened.'"
Matt. 13:33
- Actions define feelings, not the other way around—"For
where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matt. 6:21
These points apply to negative things as well as positive things. A tree that
can survive hundreds of years through hurricanes, wars, fires, freezes, and
droughts can fall to termites. It's important, then, to make sure the positive
things in a marriage far outweigh the negatives.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Love the small stuff
Earlier this week, I was watching a bit of television with my wife. I don't remember
which program, but I do remember watching it. I remember sitting on the couch, with Mrs. Happy was reclining
on a bean bag chair near my feet. At one point, she reached over to me and started
stroking my lower leg in a gesture of pure, loving affection.
That was a small thing. She didn't even think about it, but it made me feel
good. It made me feel loved.
It's the big, spectacular things in a relationship that give us the emotional
highs, the feelings of bliss, the events that we'll always remember. But it's
the little things done every day that make marriage a joy.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Sharing
If you've been reading this site lately, you're aware that I've been having
sort of a health concern involving my heart. Basically, my heart sometimes
beats too
soon then waits a moment before beating again (the second beat is especially
strong—strong enough for me to feel in my chest—since blood has built up a
little). The
effect
is
that
I
feel
my
heart
beating
randomly rather than steadily. I
have
had
no
fewer
than
five
doctors
assure me that the condition is completely benign, that it is not
harming me in any way and will never do so and that I should not feel any concern
for my well-being. When they explain it to me, it makes perfect sense, but
then I feel the odd beats pounding against my ribs, I take my pulse and feel
my heart
seem to stop momentarily, and I get dizzy and lightheaded. Then I realize that
there's this little engine inside me that's supposed to run without a rest
for 90 years or so, and after 32 it's already missing on a cylinder or two.
I must confess that it causes me the concern that my doctors say is unwarranted.
The worst time is at night when I'm trying to go to sleep. When I'm awake,
I'm aware of what my heart is doing. I know that if anything happens I can
probably
get someone's attention before I pass out. Even if I can't, then my falling
to the floor will likely not go unnoticed in most situations. If my heart just
stops during the day, I can almost count on someone administering
CPR and/or calling an ambulance for me. If I go to sleep, though,
that's
no longer
the case. I won't be able to monitor my
heartbeat,
and nothing in my demeanor will change noticeably if something happens. I've
spent a few sleepless nights simply due to fear of losing track of my heart.
I prayed about it a lot. I did not, however, share my fears with my wife.
I wondered whether I should tell her how I was feeling. I assessed the situation
as objectively and as logically as I could, and I decided that telling her
would not alleviate my fear and would serve only to frighten her. So I kept
this from her until
the day
an arrhythmia specialist convinced me to a 99% certainty that I was in absolutely
no danger of death. I realized too late how wrong I had been in keeping my
fears to myself.
I had based my decision on the wrong criteria. Logic works well
in cases where it applies, but it does not really apply in the areas of emotion
and relationships. Logic says nothing about how people feel. I know that
if my wife were afraid to sleep, I'd want to know. There's no logic behind
that desire—I would just want to know. However little I might be able to help,
I could at least be
more
sensitive,
more attentive to her needs, and more effectively prayerful. In my case,
I didn't give her that opportunity, and now she probably feels cheated and
hurt.
I understand
that, I have apologized, and I have (hopefully) learned a lasting lesson. If
anything like this happens in the future, I will not ask myself, "What
will telling her accomplish?" Instead, I will ask, "If
the situation were reversed, how would I want it handled?"
Monday, August 09, 2004
Decisions
I had two choices for how to spend my evening: 1) write an insightful blog about how to be a good husband, or 2) take my wife out for some ice cream and intimate conversation. Guess which one I picked.
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Marriage links for the week
Tim at Challies.com tackles the question of what Paul really meant in 1 Corinthians
chapter 7 when he
implied
that it's better to remain
single than to marry.
He also discusses what he calls the myth
of mutual submission within marriage.
Both are good reads.
The couple behind the blog Little
House celebrates anniversary
No. 11.
Miss O'Hara laments the
state of modern marriage: "…God created marriage to be the union of two souls,
so that each could help the other for the rest of their lives (in part). Marriage
should - and can! - be so much more than it has become, and my heart weeps for
those who don't understand this, for those who don't know how it can work and
how much beauty and wonderment it can add to their lives."
Julie talks about her struggle to be
a better wife.
Actor Stephen Baldwin, brother of William and Alec but no relation to Adam,
became a Christian through
the influence of his wife (link via World
Magazine Blog).
Friday, August 06, 2004
His and Hers XX
His and Hers is a weekly discussion of a question or topic relating
to marriage. On Friday, my wife and I each write our thoughts on the week's
topic. I invite other bloggers to do the same with their spouses as an exercise
in celebrating marriage. This week's question is:
What is a symbol of a trait you value in your spouse?
Mrs. Happy's response
I like to think of Curt as a blanket. He's soft and warm, he makes me comfortable
and cozy, and he provides security in a world of uncertainty. On a cold, rainy
day, I can wrap him around me and feel safe. The rest of the time, I
just
sit on him.
Curt's response
I love the fact that my wife is affectionate and that her affection originates
from love rather than neediness. The best symbol that I can think of is a dog,
because there is no love and affection more pure in this world than that of
a dog for his human. That's how she is: expressive and not solicitous, loving
and not manipulative.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
RLT…uh…something
It has been a strange week here in the Happy household. I visited a cardiologist
who specializes in arrhythmia and learned that my
condition is almost certainly benign. However, the fact that it isn't permanently
damaging me doesn't alleviate the discomfort, fatigue, and dizziness I've been
experiencing. This circumstance has spurred discussions both wonderful and
painful between Mrs. Happy and me, and I would love to write about them, but
that will just have to wait. I'm too tired and unable to think right now. I
need to go downstairs to the…place…where the bed…and things…is.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Ahhhhh...
Back online and it feels so good. I'll resume posting tomorrow, or maybe Thursday since we have the marriage class at church tomorrow. We'll see.
